Stream of Consciousness

I decided today to write a stream of consciousness to try and sort out my problems. This is rare, I don’t write my own thoughts down very often, but I do find it a powerful tool. I was talking about my current lack of writing output and even started talking more directly about my interaction with online sharing like wordpress. As you will see I decided to share it here. I have not even read this over once this is really you guys getting to see me as I am a half hour snippet of my thought process.

This writing thing hasn’t been going well. I need to reflect on this. Decide what my problem is… the problem is that I think my main issue is actually the projects, its the measures I tried to put in place to get myself writing more. I’ve only succeeded in boxing myself in, finding myself stuck in a rut which looks boring but stretches evermore out in front of me. While to the sides I can see a landscape that feels just as fun to explore as the place the rut is leading me.

My pins on pinterest are a clue to this. So many fun characters, so many little story starters have been pinned there, even after I could no longer explore. And yet I didn’t do any of them, because none of them were connected to my current projects. How many times have I despaired, because even with its broad definition of life, a character I found simply couldn’t work in Aetheria. How many times have I looked at a character and tried to describe how he would fit into the Void Queen universe and failed, because even if they were in that universe they would not play any major role in the story.

These ideas, this inspiration, is being collected. But I am not acting upon it, and I risk coming back to it later and thinking “Why did I think that was so great?” All these great ideas will be wasted I think, but at the same time is that a reason to abandon furthering my project in favour of them. My project is already abandoned so maybe it is something that doesn’t matter. I’ve got to get that idea of abandonment out of my head. I think what I forget is that I am perhaps a better short story writer then I am novelist, not because my novels are no good, I love my novels, but because I do not have the discipline for writing novels often.

Is lacking the discipline so wrong, I guess to understand that I need to understand why I lack it. My best guess is the reason I lack the discipline springs primarily from the fact that I am eternally aware that writing is not my chosen career path, I am not interested enough… no I think to say I am not driven enough would be better… to push my writing out into the world. I know that I want to focus on my teaching, not this. It must share its time with my other hobbies, reading and playing ( and watching) video games (mostly watching). Yet unlike my other hobbies I want recognition for my writing, I am constantly despairing over the fact that no one reads my work, well not constantly but often and I use this as an excuse as to why I am not writing. Why? I enjoy writing, but I seem to forget that, maybe because the clearer memory in my head is how I enjoy the thought of people reacting to it. I like to think about how I am making the audience feel. Every writer must constantly think about audience, what reaction they want in the audience and how they would make that occur, I’m good at it I think, but thats part of my downfall. I’m aware I don’t really have an audience, I have no audience to write for, to make feel something.

And whose fault is that? Mine. I refuse to advertise, feels too much like bragging or showing off. I don’t like reading from the computer screen, so I never make any impression on people like me who share their love of writing online. How do I expect my stuff to be seen? I don’t really, but I do very little to fix it. It’s only a hobby I say, I shouldn’t put so much effort into changing the way I am comfortable interacting on the internet just for a hobby. I’m a consumer, a quiet follower, I lurk and I watch and I rarely interact. I’m an Introvert absolutely everywhere I go, even the internet. I like being who I am, I don’t need to change that do I, but at the same time the part of me that likes to write seems to need that changed. Sometimes I wish that I had someone that would do all of the other stuff for me, advertising and bragging, but then I would feel embarrassed.

I’ve gone completely off topic here, I was trying to figure out why I’ve been writing less and how to fix that. Maybe what I’ve decided is its not simple. Maybe I’m not cut out for writing, maybe I should have left them all as daydreams in my head and played more games, read more books. But I don’t want to abandon it now. I’m thinking of sharing this on wordpress, though I’m worried that would just be an attention seeking cry for help, and that’s not what I want. But maybe I can ask them for a different kind of help. If someone does read my wordpress maybe as an outsider they might be better able to see a possible solution. I will.

So wordpress, can anyone give me some advice?

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